(Note: While this article was written with elders and other church leaders in mind, we hope all of our readers will benefit from it and share it with others who may enjoy it.)
A godly elder knows his responsibility to manage his household well because he knows that the family is a proving ground for a man’s leadership and that the health of his family life affects the health of his church.
Yet a godly elder also knows his kids are sinners, just as he is. He is under no illusion that his family will be problem-free or that his kids will never stray. When they sin—sometimes in serious ways—he may be plagued not only with concern for them, but concern that his own parenting failures caused the problem. Does this disqualify me as an elder? he may wonder.
In a two-part roundtable discussion about managing the household (see part 1 here and part 2 here), Chuck Gianotti, Alex Strauch, and Bob Deffinbaugh explore the question of what to do when an elder’s kids get into trouble, in light of the qualifications laid out in 1 Timothy 3:4 and Titus 1:6. (For a detailed discussion of the meaning of Titus 1:6, see “Can I Be an Elder if My Child Isn’t Saved?”)
When good kids make bad mistakes
Elders must be above reproach in the eyes of the community and the local church, especially when it comes to the management of their families. When an elder’s child goes astray, a church’s elders and congregation must exercise wise judgment in determining whether that elder remains qualified.
The decision isn’t always simple. Bob Deffinbaugh has a friend who stepped down from eldership when his daughter went off to college and began living an ungodly life. This man esteemed the office of eldership so highly that he did not feel he should continue to serve in his role—and that was a good lesson for the church. That’s one valid approach, but it’s not the only one.
“All our children are sinners; we have no perfect children—or parents!” Alex Strauch said. “So there will be problems. The question is, are they handling those problems or just letting the family go? Deep down, we know when a family is disintegrating in chaos or neglect, versus the normal problems that every healthy family has but they’re addressing.”
We have to apply the general teachings of the Word of God
to make judgments in a wise and understanding way.”
For example, one church had an excellent elder whose teenage daughter—who had typically been a good girl—fell into the wrong crowd and got pregnant. He was inclined to step down, but Alex asked, “Why? If you’re handling the problem in an exemplary way—bringing it before the church, leading your daughter into repentance, fathering well—why should you step down? Our children sin! We can’t step down over every sin.”
Managing our household doesn’t mean ensuring our kids never sin, but managing their sin in a biblical, Christlike way. “Falling into a sin like that is not necessarily an indicator of bad parenting,” Alex said. On the flip side, Chuck Gianotti added that “some people have very placid children and we credit them with being great parents when these children might have been placid no matter whose family they were in.”
However, if an elder’s children are characteristically out of control, they will be a bad testimony to others in the church and to the greater community. In such cases, church members may approach the elders with their concerns, and the elders will need to bring those concerns to the elder in question. In some cases, the elder group may need to tell that elder, “We need you to take a year or two off of eldership and tend to your family. We want to see you still serving as an elder twenty or thirty years from now, but right now there’s a problem we want you to concentrate on first.”
“Certainly parenting skills and attention to the children have consequences . . . But the best of parents can have a child rebel. We have to apply the general teachings of the Word of God to make judgments in a wise and understanding way,” Alex said. When an elder’s family management comes into question because of his child’s sin, many factors must be considered: the parents’ skills, the child’s response, how they handled the sin. “That’s why in a church we must know one another,” he said.
Chuck added that what made David a man after God’s own heart was not just that he lived an exemplary life, but that when he fell, he knew what to do. He managed his sin well, so to speak, with confession and repentance. The parallel for parents is that we’ll never have perfect children, but when they’re not perfect, we must manage the situation well. (See “Five Principles for Dealing with a Wayward Child” for more on this subject.)
Bob noted that parents can get touchy when asked about their child training, saying, “This is my territory; stay out.” That says something concerning about their character. Elders are required not to be pugnacious, and body life means the church ministers to the family—one family to another—so in many ways family life is the church’s business.
Tips for managing the family well
“The family is in trouble today,” Alex said. “We need examples of good families because good families make good churches . . . this is fundamental to the human race, to human development . . . Those who lead the church need to model family life.”
BER team members shared some habits that shaped family life when their kids were growing up:
- Eat dinner together as often as possible. The Strauch family ate dinner together nightly (with occasional exceptions), and Alex was committed to keeping his evenings free from appointments and phone calls so their hour-and-a-half-long meal would be uninterrupted. Dinner was served on the best dishes, and afterwards Alex would lead a short Bible lesson, quiz the kids in their Bible knowledge, and ask them for prayer requests. “I wanted them to see their father leading the family spiritually,” Alex said.
- Have fun together. Alex tried to take every Saturday off for a family day, doing whatever the kids wanted—shopping, hiking, swimming, enjoying nature. For him, family management centered on relationship. “You can have all the rules and regulations you want, but if you have no relationship you’ve failed,” he said. “If your children love you and love to be with you, the other things will fall in line.” The Strauchs also tried to take an inexpensive trip about four times a year, sometimes with other families.
- Invite church members and missionaries to your home. Bob Deffinbaugh recommends doing ministry as a family. When you have people to your home for a meal, your kids become part of what you do. This habit can protect kids from resentment toward the ministry (“Why aren’t my parents spending more time with me?”). Alex believes the time his kids spent listening to adult conversations at meals matured them. “People are interesting,” he said. “Always ask good questions—how did you get saved? How did you meet each other? Children are listening. Children should not be afraid of adults and seniors—they should be comfortable and able to sit down and look them in the face; that’s part of training the child.” Chuck Gianotti and his wife made a point to defer to the kids when guests would ask questions so they could learn to be part of the conversation.
- Include your children in ministry. Recruiting their help for hospitality is a great way to involve them. Alex recalls the way his daughters would help him and his wife prepare on Saturday night for their Sunday lunch guests. Kids of various ages can help set the table, tidy the house, and prep food so Sunday runs smoothly and they all feel involved.
- Raise your kids with the church. If your church is a family, it helps in raising your family. Alex said, “Choose your family friends carefully—they will influence your children enormously!”
Photo by Tom Sodoge on Unsplash