“If you met a truly humble person, you wouldn’t think him or her humble, but happy and incredibly interested in you,” Tim Keller said, paraphrasing C.S. Lewis’s words in Mere Christianity. To love your neighbor—which is the second greatest commandment—is to be genuinely interested in her. That means it’s a Christian’s duty to learn how to ask good questions that engage people, from our closest friends to our unsaved neighbors to the lonely widows at church.
In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie offers six principles making people like you. For Christians, these same principles serve as advice for “how to win souls and influence people for Christ”: become genuinely interested in other people, smile, remember and use people’s names, be a good listener, talk in terms of the other person’s interests, and sincerely make others feel important. Asking good questions—and listening for the answer—is the key to showing love.
The art of conversation is a skill we can all learn. Let’s consider the following scenarios where making conversation can be challenging:
Challenge #1: The one-sided conversation
In his article “The Neglected Ministry of Asking Questions,” Blake Glosson writes, “As David Augsburger has observed, ‘Being heard is so close to being loved that most people cannot tell the difference.’ Show me a person who asks questions and listens, and I’ll show you a person who makes people feel known and loved.”
I’ve felt incredibly loved in conversations with friends who showed sincere interest in me with their questions, and I’ve felt equally frustrated in relationships where I tend to do all the asking. When my questions aren’t reciprocated, I start to wonder if the person is bothered by my questions, disinterested, or simply unaware that the conversation is one-sided.
If making conversation is hard for you, simply ask someone the same question she just asked you. On the other hand, if you’re the only one asking questions and you’re starting to feel like an interrogator, it’s okay to graciously exit the conversation (see point #4).
Challenge #2: The conversation that falls flat
Sometimes it’s challenging to find the common ground that can take a conversation deeper, especially when you’re talking with someone who’s quite different from you in age, vocation, or background. It’s one thing to smile and ask, “How are you?” and another thing to truly get to know someone.
When you’re trying to go deeper with someone, ask:
- I’m not sure if I’ve ever heard your testimony. How did you come to know the Lord?
- How did you meet your spouse?
- What did you do this weekend? (This is better than “What’s new?”—you’ll get a more specific answer that can tell you a lot about someone’s family, hobbies, major life events, and struggles.)
- What’s your favorite part of [motherhood, your job, etc.]?
- Do you listen to any podcasts? (This is a great way to learn about someone’s interests, opinions, and values.)
- Have you read any good books lately?
- I saw your post/picture on social media of [your vacation, your child’s soccer game, your thoughts on current events]. (Social media gets a bad rap for good reason, but being connected online gives you talking points when you meet in person.)
I’ve heard from countless friends who have visited churches where no one ever spoke to them, and they decided not to return. Let’s make sure that never happens in any of our churches. What would happen if we each saw it as our personal mission to make guests and lonely people feel loved? How might their impression of our church differ, and how might we change the course of their week?
Here are some simple ways to greet visitors and get to know them:
- Hi, I’m ___. What’s your name?
- How did you hear about our church?
- Where do you usually go to church?
- What keeps you busy during the week? (This is a universal, nonjudgmental alternative to “What do you do for a living?” and you’ll usually get a more interesting answer.)
Ending a conversation gracefully can be as challenging as starting it. We don’t want to appear rude, but sometimes we genuinely need to step away because we have other responsibilities or people to tend to.
Here are some gracious ways to wrap the discussion, whether you’re at church or elsewhere:
- “Well, I’d better go check on my kids. Thanks for chatting!”
- “It was so nice to talk to you! Hopefully we can catch up again soon!”
- “We need to get going, but I’m looking forward to seeing you next week!”
Choosing to engage others can be hard. It pushes us outside of our comfort zone, especially if conversation doesn’t come naturally to us. But learning how to engage people by asking questions is not optional—the stakes are high. May we commit to growing in this area, choosing to love others more than we love ourselves.