Our perspective on friendship (as with most things) naturally trends toward “me”-centered.” Why don’t they include me? Why don’t they like me? Who do I want to be friends with? How can I be accepted into that particular social circle? Sometimes God does provide just the friend we’re longing for, and that is a gift. But Philippians 2:4 reminds us not to look out for our own interests primarily, but also the interests of others. Often the solution to loneliness is simply to look outward—not asking, “Who do I want to be friends with?” but “Who needs me to be her friend?”
When Naomi’s husband and sons died in Moab, she wasn’t exactly a ray of sunshine or a magnet for friends. She even asked people to call her Mara (“bitter”) instead of Naomi, “for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went away full, and the Lord has brought me back empty” (Ruth 1:20-21). Her daughters-in-law were all she had left in the world, and she tried to send them back to their families to remarry, knowing she had nothing left to offer them.
But Ruth wasn’t looking at what she could get out of her relationship with her mother-in-law. She committed herself to Naomi in loyal hesed love and followed her to Bethlehem, where she would provide for her and eventually make her a joyful grandmother in the lineage of Christ.
When Ruth met her future husband, Boaz, her godly reputation had already reached his ears. He said to her, “All that you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband has been fully told to me, and how you left your father and mother and your native land and came to a people that you did not know before. The Lord repay you for what you have done, and a full reward be given you by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge!” (Ruth 2:11-12).
And did he ever reward her! Had she focused on her own grief, her own needs and desires, and her own comfort and ease, she would have stayed in Moab. But because she cared more for Naomi than herself, she stuck with her. As a result, she became a follower of Yahweh, the great-grandmother of King David, and one of the Bible’s heroes.
When making friends is hard
If you’re longing for a close friend, look around. Who is hurting—physically, emotionally, spiritually? Who needs your companionship, wise counsel, and hug? Whom can you take to lunch, text with words of encouragement, or take a meal to? Rich friendships develop when we make ourselves a friend to those in need, for “those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed” (Prov. 11:25 NLT).
Friendship can be extra challenging for an elder’s wife. It may be hard to find likeminded friends who truly relate to her struggles, or she may fear the social ramifications of opening up. She carries burdens with her husband that must remain confidential, so sometimes what’s weighing on her most is something she can’t share with a friend. Or she might have many women in the church seeking some level of relationship with her, and she feels overwhelmed and inadequate because she can’t give equally to everyone. But looking out for others who need a friend is always a good first step. Walking through hard times with others forges bonds of friendship that go both ways, benefitting the giver as much as the recipient.
Additionally, though we tend to gravitate toward our peers, we shouldn’t limit ourselves to people who are just like us. A mom with young children had to change her perspective on friendship when all of her closest “mom” friends moved out of state. Her new outlook is refreshing: “I have found childless friends who are faithful to God, and that’s been great. I see it this way: God is choosing my friends for me, and I’m thankful for that.”
Friendships that cross generations, backgrounds, and life seasons are a blessing. We would all benefit from having at least one friend who is ahead of us in life and a friend who is younger in age, life stage, or spiritual maturity. The Titus 2 principles of the older women teaching the younger ones provide a great framework for healthy friendships.
The challenges of maintaining friendship
Friendships can be hard to maintain in busy seasons of life when family and ministry take priority, but you can nurture friendships without spending a great deal of time away. While it’s a treat to sneak away for coffee or a nice dinner together, sometimes it’s not practical or necessary. Instead, you can:
- Take opportunities to have heart-to-heart talks at church, Bible study, or mid-week ministries where you are already together.
- Text or call her mid-week to encourage her and exchange prayer requests.
- Meet up for a walk or another form of exercise that you’d be doing anyway.
- Exchange cards and notes of encouragement.
Deep friendships can be nurtured by taking these opportunities, even when life doesn’t allow for extended times away together. We may not be physically capable of keeping up with every friendship we’ve ever had, but we can be faithful to cherish the friends God has put in our lives in this season. And when distance separates us from our intimate lifelong friends, we are blessed to live in an age when it’s easier than ever to stay connected through technology—it just takes intentional effort.
Sometimes, though, friendships aren’t severed by distance but by discord. It can be tempting to discuss the issue with others for advice or sympathy, but the biblical pattern (Matt. 18:15) is to go directly to our friend. Simply bringing the issue into the light and discussing it with love, humility, and gentleness is often enough to resolve the issue and restore the friendship. And when that’s not the case, Romans 12:18 is the pattern we should strive for: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (emphasis added). We can’t control another person’s response, but we can honor God with our own attitude and actions and then leave the rest to him.
The friendship of God
Friendship is important to God, and good friends are a gift from him. When we’re longing for a friend, we can ask him to meet that need: “If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” (Matt. 7:11).
Yet sometimes God allows us to walk through seasons of loneliness so we might learn to draw closer to him. A woman I know who has an extraordinarily intimate walk with God remembers her childhood as a somewhat lonely one. Today she’s thankful for that, because if she’d had an abundance of friends back then, she may never have developed the deep friendship with God that she enjoys now, decades later. He wants us to turn to him first and foremost, regardless of how many human friends we have. When our hearts are yearning for the companionship of a friend, he is always there to be our companion, our confidant, and our counselor. “There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Prov. 18:24)—and that friend is the Lord himself. May he always be our most intimate friend.