by Mary Gianotti
I have been pondering the question, “How can I best help my husband in the demanding ministry of being an elder?” Hospitality, mailings, counseling, food preparation—the possibilities are endless. We can become very busy “doing” and then miss what God really wants from us as elders’ wives.
Paul points out some very important qualities we are to have, powerfully packed into a single verse: “In the same way their [both elders’ and deacons’] wives are to be women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers . . .” (1 Timothy 3:11).
We are to be “women worthy of respect”—not for status or glory, but so God can do his work through us. Other women will not listen to, take counsel from, or follow the example of an elder’s wife for whom they do not have a high regard. A woman of respect is a woman of integrity—this is the woman God can use.
Respect is not something we can demand from the people around us. We earn respect as our godly character enables people to trust us so that we can serve them more effectively.
In particular, the Lord commands us not to be malicious talkers. Webster’s Dictionary helps us understand the breadth of this word. It may imply a deep-seated dislike that is expressed in words or a cherished feeling of resentment that coats our comments like a stench. If we hide away in the corners of our heart attitudes such as ill will, spite, or simmering anger toward someone, sooner or later malicious talk will result. A sharp word or a careless passing comment will wound a sheep or cause a “fire” to start out of control, seriously damaging the flock (James 1:26, 3:1–11).
Other women will not listen to, take counsel from, or follow the example
of an elder’s wife for whom they do not have a high regard.
I made a list of things that tempt me to be malicious. Your personal list may vary from mine, but this is worth the exercise. Part of my list includes when my pride is hurt, my husband is criticized (nothing gets my goat quicker!), I get drawn into gossip as the sympathetic ear, or I wrongly share a prayer concern (that’s the classic one). There is more, but it is important that you identify your own areas of weakness.
What can we do about all this? We need to be constantly reminding ourselves of several things:
- Being aware of our weaknesses (the aforementioned “list”) is a good start. Confess as sin any form of malicious talk—this is what God wants. It is much easier to justify ourselves than to admit sin and confess it. God sees confession as a sacrifice (Psalm 51:17); it is something he delights in.
- The second step is to not become comfortable with our thought patterns. Romans 12:2 makes it clear we need transformed minds, which requires time in God’s Word and prayer.
- The third step is to practice encouraging people, especially those you don’t feel like even talking to. “But encourage one another daily . . . so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness” (Hebrews 3:13). This becomes a powerful tool God uses to refine us as we put it into practice and bless others in the process.
Florence Littauer, in her book Personality Tree, speaks of encouraging words as being like little silver boxes with bows on top, that we can give as gifts to people. Can you think of someone who rarely receives a silver box with a bow on top from you?
An elder’s wife who is not a malicious talker is a tremendous asset to her husband. She becomes clear-minded and develops spiritual insight and a loving concern for the people her husband has been called to shepherd. This helps her gain respect in the eyes of others.
Mary is the wife of former BER Director Chuck Gianotti and the co-author of Encouragement for Leaders’ Wives, available on Bible-Equip.org.